There is strength in weakness
With all of the concerns about maintaining healthy boundaries and warnings not to have close friendships with parishioners or share information that might be used against you later, many pastors are understandably reluctant to disclose the details of their own personal struggles. Certainly, clergy must be careful about how, what, and with whom they discuss deeply personal issues, and inappropriately sharing too much can be harmful to both pastor and congregant.
However, in the right situations and with the right people, acknowledging painful realities in our lives and sharing lessons we have learned by going through difficult experiences can be very helpful. Henri Nouwen’s classic book The Wounded Healer includes the statement that “In our own woundedness, we can become a source of life for others,” and I have certainly found that to be true in my own ministry.
For example, I have battled depression for most of my life, and have learned the hard way that if I decide my life is going well and there is no need for me to take antidepressants, within a matter of months I will be spiraling downward again and start having suicidal thoughts. At first, I believed that if I truly had a strong faith and trusted God I would not get depressed, and that taking medication for it amounted to seeking a drug-induced artificial high instead of addressing the underlying issues. I now know better.
I also know that shame often keeps people from seeking help for mental health issues, or even acknowledging to themselves that they might possibly benefit from counseling and/or medication. Because of that, I have chosen to be open about my own history of depression. The first time I briefly mentioned that fact during a sermon, I was amazed at the response. One person said she never would have guessed that I struggled with depression since I was always smiling and seemed so happy, a few thanked me for talking about it as they shook my hand at the end of the service, and several other church members met with me for pastoral counseling sessions during which they discussed their own or a family member’s struggle with depression.
Another pastor I know has told me that when he counsels couples he mentions a difficult time in his own marriage years ago, and that admission often helps them feel confident that really does understand what they are going through and believe that if his marriage survived and is now so happy maybe there is hope for their relationship after all.
Other pastors have found that the death of a loved one, or a physical disability, makes them far more effective at helping parishioners cope in similar situations.
What have your experiences been? If you are a pastor, how have parishioners reacted when you have acknowledged your own woundedness? If you are a parishioner, how did (or how would) you feel if your pastor shared information about his or her personal struggles? Please share your thoughts here.
